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| Embarrassment in Action |
I think that there must be a variety of shyness's in the world. According to the dictionary shy means,
1. "Being reserved or having or showing nervousness or timidity in the company of other people."
I find the alternate definitions very telling as well;
2. "Less than; short of." (EX) "He won the championship with a score three points shy of a world record."
3. Verb "To start suddenly in fright. " (EX) "He shied away from the ball."
The second two definitions may not be the technical definition when applied to shy people, but I feel that they are all three interconnected. The second two seem to be tells of the first. Why should someone be nervous or timid around others? Could it be because they feel that they are "less than" those around them? That they fall short? Isn't it quite common for a very shy person to also be fidgety or jumpy? A bundle of nerves, as it were?
I've always been analytical of people. I often over think why people do or feel different things, particularly myself. Sometimes this is a good thing, helping me to understand others and be more empathetic. Other times, it drives me insane as I hyper-focus on the trivial and meaningless. As Freud said, "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."
The different types of shy I've observed are these;
The complete anti-social shy
Most shy people have some anti-social feelings, it's very normal for shy people to be introverts. Complete anti-social shyness, however, is not just normal introversion. This is a shyness that doesn't quite fit with the others due to the fact that the other shys I've seen have some basis in embarrassment and/or self-consciousness. This is a shy for people who are, simply put, anti-social. They are not comfortable with crowds, not because they fear what others are thinking or how they look, but because they just don't enjoy the company of others. I believe that some shy people have this, while others pretend to have it in order to mask their insecurity. Very few people I've met are purely anti-social, and it seems to me that those who are, are usually carrying other problems around with them.
The one-on-one shy
This is a shyness people usually feel when alone with someone new, or with someone who is just an acquaintance. These are those who feel awkward when someone sits next to them on the train, and also includes those who may be fine in a group, say in a classroom, but are terrified of the prospect of talking to the teacher one-on-one. They freeze when faced with one person's attention.
The crowd shy
This varies. There are some who fear crowds in general. I don't have enough personal experience with this one to know what to say about it, except that it seems to stem from a general feeling of anxiety. The other crowd-shy people I can empathize with, those who fear crowds of people they don't know and are expected to talk to, or who fear doing something in front of a crowd, like raising their hand in class or participating in public speaking.
The sporadic shy
Some people have bouts of shyness, but are not shy in their every-day life. It's brought on by new or unexpected situations; perhaps a blind date or something extreme that is out of the norm for them.
The outgoing shy
Sounds like an oxymoron doesn't it? But it's not. Something that has surprised me in the past, is when outgoing people talk about how shy they are. I'm often shocked to learn that some of the most extroverted people I know are more self-conscious than anyone, and fear the same things every other shy person fears-they just hide it better-(or they only freak out over it when they're alone =P). In fact, a sub group of this is those who become more gregarious the more uncomfortable they are. They ramble or get louder instead of getting quieter, as most bashful people do. This sometimes causes complications as they later berate themselves for saying "stupid" things.
The shy-shy
This is what I consider myself. It's primarily focused on insecurity and embarrassment. Fear of doing something stupid in front of others, fear of losing respect, fear of all of the different things that could make one feel bad about oneself. It encompasses most of the other shys, as all of them are connected to fear.
I gained a new perspective of my shyness while I was serving a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints in California. There were a lot of scary and embarrassing situations, and many opportunities to reflect. As a bonus, I always had a companion (teaching partner) around to help me talk out my difficulties. One significant discovery that I made was that some of my shyness stemmed from pride. Crazy isn't it? I would have thought that those who are shy lacked the traditional idea of pride. To me the proud are those who think they are superior to others, but when you back into your shell in order to protect your "image," isn't that an effort to protect pride? What actually helped me to discover this pride-connection was a long conversation I had with one of my companions. I had significant trouble looking people in the eyes, particularly those whom I wasn't close too. I still struggle with it sometimes, but one day she asked me,
"Why don't you look people in the eyes?"
I gave my cop-out answer of, "I dunno."
But this companion rarely took that for an answer, and I was forced to think about it. What came of the conversation was essentially this:
"Well, I guess it makes me feel stupid."
"Why?"
"Because then I see them looking back at me."
"So?"
"I guess I'm nervous about what they see."
"Why?"
".........I dunno, what if they don't like what they see?"
"That wouldn't change by not looking them in the eye."
"But if I look them in the eye, they look back, and I can see them looking at me. I can't explain it!"
While I may not have been able to explain what I meant, it made me realize that in my head, it was all about what others were thinking of me. In short, it was my pride at stake.
Another connection to pride (in me at least) is the fact that I hate few things more than I hate people trying to push me outside of my comfort zone, particularly when that is their only motivation for making me do something. When someone makes me do something because they thing it's "good for me" a little seed of stubbornness begins to grow in my heart. If it's my own idea, I'm proud of myself; when I feel like it's someone else's expectation, I feel annoyed and become disinclined to cooperate. What could that be but pride? I recall numerous times on the Mission, when approaching someone, I would build myself up, plan what I was going to say, get excited, and then my companion would tell me to talk to the person and suddenly my brain would revolt. Inside I would say, "Oh, you want me to do it? Why don't you do it, don't tell me what to do!" What a poisonous attitude for me to have!
I'm still shy, but I cope with it much better now. I feel like these different forms of shyness need to be overcome from the inside, it can't be forced on a person. It's about confidence, being built up, realizing your divine worth.
There is a story about Moses speaking to Heavenly Father, found in the Pearl of Great Price: three times while speaking God refers to Moses as "My son." When Heavenly Father leaves, Satan appears and says to Moses, "Son of man, worship me." Moses replies with, "Who art thou? For I am a son of God." I think we forget this. We listen to the world that says your just another person, who are you to be brave? Who are you to speak, to succeed, to be loved? Well, who are they to say such things? When we know who we are we can reply like Moses to our fears, "Who art thou? For I am a child of God."
Coercion, teasing, and force bring resentment and a heightened sense of self-consciousness, augmenting the problem. Self-realization, sympathetic understanding, and encouragement bring changes, not being shoved outside of your comfort zone.I like my friend's quote about life beginning at the end of our comfort zone, because when people are built up, they come out of their comfort zone by choice. Those are my thoughts on it anyway, this is why I now have a blog, so I can ramble on forever. =)
The second two definitions may not be the technical definition when applied to shy people, but I feel that they are all three interconnected. The second two seem to be tells of the first. Why should someone be nervous or timid around others? Could it be because they feel that they are "less than" those around them? That they fall short? Isn't it quite common for a very shy person to also be fidgety or jumpy? A bundle of nerves, as it were?
I've always been analytical of people. I often over think why people do or feel different things, particularly myself. Sometimes this is a good thing, helping me to understand others and be more empathetic. Other times, it drives me insane as I hyper-focus on the trivial and meaningless. As Freud said, "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."
The different types of shy I've observed are these;
The complete anti-social shy
Most shy people have some anti-social feelings, it's very normal for shy people to be introverts. Complete anti-social shyness, however, is not just normal introversion. This is a shyness that doesn't quite fit with the others due to the fact that the other shys I've seen have some basis in embarrassment and/or self-consciousness. This is a shy for people who are, simply put, anti-social. They are not comfortable with crowds, not because they fear what others are thinking or how they look, but because they just don't enjoy the company of others. I believe that some shy people have this, while others pretend to have it in order to mask their insecurity. Very few people I've met are purely anti-social, and it seems to me that those who are, are usually carrying other problems around with them.
The one-on-one shy
This is a shyness people usually feel when alone with someone new, or with someone who is just an acquaintance. These are those who feel awkward when someone sits next to them on the train, and also includes those who may be fine in a group, say in a classroom, but are terrified of the prospect of talking to the teacher one-on-one. They freeze when faced with one person's attention.
The crowd shy
This varies. There are some who fear crowds in general. I don't have enough personal experience with this one to know what to say about it, except that it seems to stem from a general feeling of anxiety. The other crowd-shy people I can empathize with, those who fear crowds of people they don't know and are expected to talk to, or who fear doing something in front of a crowd, like raising their hand in class or participating in public speaking.
The sporadic shy
Some people have bouts of shyness, but are not shy in their every-day life. It's brought on by new or unexpected situations; perhaps a blind date or something extreme that is out of the norm for them.
The outgoing shy
Sounds like an oxymoron doesn't it? But it's not. Something that has surprised me in the past, is when outgoing people talk about how shy they are. I'm often shocked to learn that some of the most extroverted people I know are more self-conscious than anyone, and fear the same things every other shy person fears-they just hide it better-(or they only freak out over it when they're alone =P). In fact, a sub group of this is those who become more gregarious the more uncomfortable they are. They ramble or get louder instead of getting quieter, as most bashful people do. This sometimes causes complications as they later berate themselves for saying "stupid" things.
The shy-shy
This is what I consider myself. It's primarily focused on insecurity and embarrassment. Fear of doing something stupid in front of others, fear of losing respect, fear of all of the different things that could make one feel bad about oneself. It encompasses most of the other shys, as all of them are connected to fear.
I gained a new perspective of my shyness while I was serving a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints in California. There were a lot of scary and embarrassing situations, and many opportunities to reflect. As a bonus, I always had a companion (teaching partner) around to help me talk out my difficulties. One significant discovery that I made was that some of my shyness stemmed from pride. Crazy isn't it? I would have thought that those who are shy lacked the traditional idea of pride. To me the proud are those who think they are superior to others, but when you back into your shell in order to protect your "image," isn't that an effort to protect pride? What actually helped me to discover this pride-connection was a long conversation I had with one of my companions. I had significant trouble looking people in the eyes, particularly those whom I wasn't close too. I still struggle with it sometimes, but one day she asked me,
"Why don't you look people in the eyes?"
I gave my cop-out answer of, "I dunno."
But this companion rarely took that for an answer, and I was forced to think about it. What came of the conversation was essentially this:
"Well, I guess it makes me feel stupid."
"Why?"
"Because then I see them looking back at me."
"So?"
"I guess I'm nervous about what they see."
"Why?"
".........I dunno, what if they don't like what they see?"
"That wouldn't change by not looking them in the eye."
"But if I look them in the eye, they look back, and I can see them looking at me. I can't explain it!"
While I may not have been able to explain what I meant, it made me realize that in my head, it was all about what others were thinking of me. In short, it was my pride at stake.
Another connection to pride (in me at least) is the fact that I hate few things more than I hate people trying to push me outside of my comfort zone, particularly when that is their only motivation for making me do something. When someone makes me do something because they thing it's "good for me" a little seed of stubbornness begins to grow in my heart. If it's my own idea, I'm proud of myself; when I feel like it's someone else's expectation, I feel annoyed and become disinclined to cooperate. What could that be but pride? I recall numerous times on the Mission, when approaching someone, I would build myself up, plan what I was going to say, get excited, and then my companion would tell me to talk to the person and suddenly my brain would revolt. Inside I would say, "Oh, you want me to do it? Why don't you do it, don't tell me what to do!" What a poisonous attitude for me to have!
I'm still shy, but I cope with it much better now. I feel like these different forms of shyness need to be overcome from the inside, it can't be forced on a person. It's about confidence, being built up, realizing your divine worth.
There is a story about Moses speaking to Heavenly Father, found in the Pearl of Great Price: three times while speaking God refers to Moses as "My son." When Heavenly Father leaves, Satan appears and says to Moses, "Son of man, worship me." Moses replies with, "Who art thou? For I am a son of God." I think we forget this. We listen to the world that says your just another person, who are you to be brave? Who are you to speak, to succeed, to be loved? Well, who are they to say such things? When we know who we are we can reply like Moses to our fears, "Who art thou? For I am a child of God."
Coercion, teasing, and force bring resentment and a heightened sense of self-consciousness, augmenting the problem. Self-realization, sympathetic understanding, and encouragement bring changes, not being shoved outside of your comfort zone.I like my friend's quote about life beginning at the end of our comfort zone, because when people are built up, they come out of their comfort zone by choice. Those are my thoughts on it anyway, this is why I now have a blog, so I can ramble on forever. =)
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