Saying Goodbye, Why is it Sad?

Saying goodbye, going away
Seem's like goodbye's such a hard thing to say
Touching a hand, wondering why
It's time for saying goodbye
Saying goodbye, why is it sad?
Makes us remember the good times we've had
Much more to say, foolish to try
It's time for saying goodbye
Don't want to leave, but we both know
Sometimes it's better to go
Somehow I know, we'll meet again
Not sure quite where, and I don't know just when
You're in my heart, so until then
It's time for saying goodbye
-Muppets

There are many times in our life when we have to say goodbye, sometimes it's just for a short interval, and other times, for much longer.

I've never been very good at saying goodbye, I like to leave unobtrusively, hopefully unnoticed and without a big show. Despite this, there's always a pit of apprehension in my stomach as I face leaving people.

Going on my Mission was the first significant goodbye I had to say. Leaving my family for 18 months seemed like an eternity. Three things got me by; the knowledge that I was doing something good, my love for the Gospel and all things pertaining to it, and knowing that I wasn't saying goodbye forever, that I'd get to see my family again.

Coming home from my Mission was bitter sweet. I would be reunited with my family, but I would be leaving the people in California that had become a second family to me. People I had worked beside, who had served us and who we had had opportunities to serve. I was astounded by the number of people I had met and become attached to in just 18 months. Leaving my first and last areas, where I spent the majority of my time, was particularly heart-wrenching.

Now I am again faced with departure from loved ones.This was my last week as a tutor at Innovations High School. I left with very little ceremony, and from the outside I'm sure that I looked very nonchalant, and certainly less emotional than those who left with fan-fair and tears, hugging and waving at everyone. I've never been very good at that; however, thinking about the kids and teachers I was leaving behind, I couldn't help but feel a little remorse that I couldn't spend just a little more time with them.

I'll be leaving for college this week, and while finishing college is an exciting prospect, leaving home again, particularly right after I returned, seems an insurmountable task. How grateful I am for the Gospel! General Conference was just what I needed at this time of my life.  President Uchtdorf's talk on being grateful tapped into that perspective I had received on the Mission, and it answered many of the worries in my heart.

It's funny when you realize your favorite quotes are those about your own weaknesses. I love when General Authorities speak and help me see where my thinking has gone a little off, or remind me of something I need to do. Why? Because more often than not, we are seeking correction and answers and Authorities can put it so succinctly as to give us "ah hah!" moments of realization. They stick us back on the right track and make life not only manageable, but happy as well.

One of my "Ah hah!" moments was when President Uchtdorf asked this:

"How much of life do we miss by waiting to see the rainbow before thanking God that there is rain?"
What brings me down about saying goodbye right now?  Partially, insecurity. I am waiting until I know what's going to happen before allowing myself to be happy. There are so many things to worry about, will I find friends? Will my roommates like me? Will I be able to find a job? Am I majoring in the right subjects? Sometimes I forget to just be happy now (the subject of another of President Uchtdorf's talks). There are SO many things to be thankful for, the fact that I get to go to a good University, knowing that I'm really not that far from home and can still stay in contact with family, getting this wonderful opportunity to further my education and find the right path for me, and doing all of this alongside my best friend, Christian.

Life is an awfully big adventure, I'm glad of the wonderful reminders that every time I say goodbye it's not about leaving, it's about going out and expanding my family.

"In the light of what we know about our eternal destiny, is it any wonder that whenever we face the bitter endings of life, they seem unacceptable to us? There seems to be something inside of us that resists endings.

Why is this? Because we are made of the stuff of eternity. We are eternal beings, children of the Almighty God, whose name is Endless and who promises eternal blessings without number. Endings are not our destiny.

The more we learn about the gospel of Jesus Christ, the more we realize that endings here in mortality are not endings at all. They are merely interruptions--temporary pauses that one day will seem small compared to the eternal joy awaiting the faithful.

How grateful I am to my Heavenly Father that in His plan there are no true endings, only everlasting beginnings."
                                -President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

My Look at Being Shy

Embarrassment in Action 

Because my blog is titled Under-Articulate I feel I should begin it with a post about inarticulateness. This one is just some thoughts on being shy.

I think that there must be a variety of shyness's in the world. According to the dictionary shy means, 

1. "Being reserved or having or showing nervousness or timidity in the company of other people." 

I find the alternate definitions very telling as well;

2. "Less than; short of." (EX) "He won the championship with a score three points shy of a world record."

3. Verb "To start suddenly in fright. " (EX) "He shied away from the ball."

The second two definitions may not be the technical definition when applied to shy people, but I feel that they are all three interconnected. The second two seem to be tells of the first. Why should someone be nervous or timid around others? Could it be because they feel that they are "less than" those around them? That they fall short? Isn't it quite common for a very shy person to also be fidgety or jumpy? A bundle of nerves, as it were?

I've always been analytical of people. I often over think why people do or feel different things, particularly myself. Sometimes this is a good thing, helping me to understand others and be more empathetic. Other times, it drives me insane as I hyper-focus on the trivial and meaningless. As Freud said, "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."

The different types of shy I've observed are these;

The complete anti-social shy
Most shy people have some anti-social feelings, it's very normal for shy people to be introverts. Complete anti-social shyness, however,  is not just normal introversion. This is a shyness that doesn't quite fit with the others due to the fact that the other shys I've seen have some basis in embarrassment and/or self-consciousness. This is a shy for people who are, simply put, anti-social. They are not comfortable with crowds, not because they fear what others are thinking or how they look, but because they just don't enjoy the company of others. I believe that some shy people have this, while others pretend to have it in order to mask their insecurity. Very few people I've met are purely anti-social, and it seems to me that those who are, are usually carrying other problems around with them.

The one-on-one shy
This is a shyness people usually feel when alone with someone new, or with someone who is just an acquaintance. These are those who feel awkward when someone sits next to them on the train, and also includes those who may be fine in a group, say in a classroom, but are terrified of the prospect of talking to the teacher one-on-one. They freeze when faced with one person's attention.

The crowd shy
This varies. There are some who fear crowds in general. I don't have enough personal experience with this one to know what to say about it, except that it seems to stem from a general feeling of anxiety. The other crowd-shy people I can empathize with, those who fear crowds of people they don't know and are expected to talk to, or who fear doing something in front of a crowd, like raising their hand in class or participating in public speaking.

The sporadic shy
Some people have bouts of shyness, but are not shy in their every-day life. It's brought on by new or unexpected situations; perhaps a blind date or something extreme that is out of the norm for them.

The outgoing shy
Sounds like an oxymoron doesn't it? But it's not. Something that has surprised me in the past, is when outgoing people talk about how shy they are. I'm often shocked to learn that some of the most extroverted people I know are more self-conscious than anyone, and fear the same things every other shy person fears-they just hide it better-(or they only freak out over it when they're alone =P). In fact, a sub group of this is those who become more gregarious the more uncomfortable they are. They ramble or get louder instead of getting quieter, as most bashful people do. This sometimes causes complications as they later berate themselves for saying "stupid" things.

The shy-shy
This is what I consider myself. It's primarily focused on insecurity and embarrassment. Fear of doing something stupid in front of others, fear of losing respect, fear of all of the different things that could make one feel bad about oneself. It encompasses most of the other shys, as all of them are connected to fear.

I gained a new perspective of my shyness while I was serving a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints in California. There were a lot of scary and embarrassing situations, and many opportunities to reflect. As a bonus, I always had a companion (teaching partner) around to help me talk out my difficulties. One significant discovery that I made was that some of my shyness stemmed from pride. Crazy isn't it? I would have thought that those who are shy lacked the traditional idea of pride. To me the proud are those who think they are superior to others, but when you back into your shell in order to protect your "image," isn't that an effort to protect pride? What actually helped me to discover this pride-connection was a long conversation I had with one of my companions. I had significant trouble looking people in the eyes, particularly those whom I wasn't close too. I still struggle with it sometimes, but one day she asked me,

"Why don't you look people in the eyes?"
 I gave my cop-out answer of, "I dunno."

But this companion rarely took that for an answer, and I was forced to think about it. What came of the conversation was essentially this:

"Well, I guess it makes me feel stupid."
"Why?"
"Because then I see them looking back at me."
"So?"
"I guess I'm nervous about what they see."
 "Why?"
".........I dunno, what if they don't like what they see?"
"That wouldn't change by not looking them in the eye."
"But if I look them in the eye, they look back, and I can see them looking at me. I can't explain it!"

While I may not have been able to explain what I meant, it made me realize that in my head, it was all about what others were thinking of me. In short, it was my pride at stake.

Another connection to pride (in me at least) is the fact that I hate few things more than I hate people trying to push me outside of my comfort zone, particularly when that is their only motivation for making me do something. When someone makes me do something because they thing it's "good for me" a little seed of stubbornness begins to grow in my heart. If it's my own idea, I'm proud of myself; when I feel like it's someone else's expectation, I feel annoyed and become disinclined to cooperate. What could that be but pride? I recall numerous times on the Mission, when approaching someone, I would build myself up, plan what I was going to say, get excited, and then my companion would tell me to talk to the person and suddenly my brain would revolt. Inside I would say, "Oh, you want me to do it? Why don't you do it, don't tell me what to do!"  What a poisonous attitude for me to have!

I'm still shy, but I cope with it much better now. I feel like these different forms of shyness need to be overcome from the inside, it can't be forced on a person. It's about confidence, being built up, realizing your divine worth.

There is a story about Moses speaking to Heavenly Father, found in the Pearl of Great Price: three times while speaking God refers to Moses as "My son." When Heavenly Father leaves, Satan appears and says to Moses, "Son of man, worship me." Moses replies with, "Who art thou? For I am a son of God." I think we forget this. We listen to the world that says your just another person, who are you to be brave? Who are you to speak, to succeed, to be loved? Well, who are they to say such things? When we know who we are we can reply like Moses to our fears, "Who art thou? For I am a child of God."

Coercion, teasing, and force bring resentment and a heightened sense of self-consciousness, augmenting the problem. Self-realization, sympathetic understanding, and encouragement bring changes, not being shoved outside of your comfort zone.I like my friend's quote about life beginning at the end of our comfort zone, because when people are built up, they come out of their comfort zone by choice. Those are my thoughts on it anyway, this is why I now have a blog, so I can ramble on forever. =)

Cute article on introversion